November

“ I was on Zanex, I was on Valium, I was on Prozak, Lorezepam, I tried everything. I didn’t like it; the medication, made me dizzy, made me restless, made me gain weight. More than that I didn’t trust Dr Reynolds. He thought I was depressing, he was thinking things about me at least, he said I was “in good health”. All I wanted was him to tell me what was wrong, is wrong. Something is wrong.”
“If I could have any super power? Hmm? That would have to be green, wax crayon green. My favourite animal? I like chocolate cake, like Colin McKenzie’s mum used to make. She said she used beer in the icing! I couldn’t believe that. If I had to be one of the elements I’d be red wine, Montepulciano de abruzo. My favourite food would be that I could fly high above everything just looking down on it all and the colour I relate to most is seahorses, except they have such sad, sad faces. My favourite drink is the earth, I like being close to the ground”
“this is getting stupid, why are they all waiting outside? What have I done to deserve this? Nothing that’s what, I’ve done nothing. I’ve done nothing all my days, I don’t even leave my room hardly. I fear I am becoming nothing. I can only just remember when I was well, it seems like such a time ago now. It seems like a dream that I was well once, maybe a false memory. Maybe I read as a child that someone else was well once and now I think that someone is me”

“I count down the days I’ve got left. I know that the end’s the same for me as it is for you. I dream about my parents, they’ve been gone 7 years now. I’m with them in dreams. Less these days. But when father died, he didn’t look like a real person he wasn’t the person I had hoped to see. After he had been gone, even after some time I saw him… when I was awake. Lord knows I miss them”.
“This is a thought within a thought, a dream within a dream. Nothing means nothing means nothing. How dare you believe in GOD, what God is cruel enough to put us here with the powers of free will and reasoning? Surely no one can be real, how can they be when everything is always absurd. I think that they are all robots, or witches or working together for some reason that only I don’t know……. Nothing is real.”
“Last night I was dreaming of her. She was writing so fast that it was unreadable, just scribbles on pages and pages of paper. When I went to stop her … it was me sitting writing and her trying to stop me. But what I was writing was too important to stop. I turned to her to tell her this but she had all but left the room. She kept on peeking around the door frame at me, terrified, as if I was a monster. I got up and she screamed a silent scream. I looked at my reflection and I was a monster.”
I’ve been interested in what’s happening, what’s going on outside. One always has this question, Why am I here? The answer always keeps itself safe. I can perfectly well stay around for years but I can’t really get anything done because I just don’t know what I’m meant to do.
I have to start smiling as soon as I start looking at her. ( of a picture ) I said when, she left “you know you have to come back, I have to die in your arms“. I was very fond of her. She was such a dear friend.
Hold on. Where have I put it? The agonies of being so habitual. I don’t like being messed about like this. Someone must’ve come in and moved it. Oh, I’m sitting on it.
I don’t think I want to go to Heaven, if it exists that is. I don’t want to go to hell of course but if there is an after life then I want to go where the animals go, where all the old pets go. I imagine that all the flowers and trees go there as well. This is where I want to go.
Lyrics:
I’ll be your shadow, I’ll be your needle
I’ll read the stars, I’ll tell the future in my head,
I’ll lose a number, I’ll steal your flowers.
I’ll cry for hours, until my face goes bloody red.
I was your dildo, I was the star of your play. I was your lover, I was your man all the way, you know you hurt me…
I sat by bin bags, I forgave Judas
I smoked my future, I spoke with lonely winter winds.
I drank a virgin, I sucked on lemon
I spat out oil and I’m more bitter than all my friends.